I May Not Be Balding Yet, But My Lawn Is

¹⁷And to Adam he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; ¹⁸thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. ¹⁹By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return." GENESIS 3:17-19

I inherited a nice front lawn of zoysia grass when we bought our house. The first summer we lived here, people commented on how lush it looked and I took credit for it like I had something to do with it. You must understand that I *love* mowing the grass and planting flower beds and raking and weeding and bush-sculpting and anything like that, but truth be told, I did nothing for that grass. I pulled weeds here and there and turned on the sprinkler on Saturday if we had gone without rain for a week. But that was all.

Something tragic has happened to that enviable lawn. I do not know what. It could be fungus. It could be drought. It could be insects. Whatever it is, it has left brown thatch in about 50% of the yard -- and it seems to be spreading. Nothing green is growing in the thatchy spots except weeds. They aren't even the kind of weeds that you mow that look like grass from across the street. They are the ugly kind that are quite obviously weeds. I would pull them up, but it accentuates the barren brown spots.

I don't think it is fungus because I have applied fungus treatment and the problem is growing.

I don't think it is drought (even though rain has slacked off this past month) because my neighbors - who do not water their yards - have green grass... as does my backyard.

So maybe it is insects? Or the weeds themselves?

Whatever it is, it is a consequence of Genesis 3.

My question is: any advice? Please? I don't want to call professionals because they are expensive. We really cannot afford to hand it over to all their fanciness. I think I need to dig it all up and start again.

Have you ever re-sodded your own law? Or seeded it? What did you use in full-sunlight? Have you ever used particular brands of any product to salvage your yard?

I have a feeling the three people who read my blog that know something about this will not comment! Oh well.

Sovereignty --> Joy (Part Three): Why I Ought to Be Happy

So how about this... I have struggled (off and on) to be happy the past couple of weeks. That's normal, I suppose. But it is funny that I should be telling you all how I am determined to be happy in God's sovereign control over my life... and yet I have recently had a hard time realizing that happiness.

At this point, I could be transparent and tell you about different things that make me anxious or discontented, but I think that this would do more harm than good; just trust me that it's all sinful and selfish and it would not edify you or anyone else to hear it.

So what should I be thinking about God's sovereignty to help steer my heart towards joy rather than sorrow or discontentment or frustration or anxiety?

One verse tends to be a big help for me, if I think about it meaningfully rather than citing it like a tired old cliche. Romans 8:28: And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Break that down...
we know ...
from past experience and the promises of God, who is no liar
that God ...
who is eternal, unchanging, supreme, trustworthy, just, benevolent, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-present, holy, and providential
causes all things ...
meaning, He contemplates, understands and actually brings about every circumstance in my life and your life and all of history
to work together ...
so that what is seemingly inopportune or unwise or impractical or inconvenient or painful is actually a part of a sovereign, masterful, well-planned design
for good ...
because His plan is crafted in love for us; for He promises that he withholds no good thing from us; He has kind intentions for us -- ultimately saving us from the sin and the death we deserve, and instead conforming us into the very image of His perfect and spotless Son, even adopting us into that family and giving us Himself as an inheritance
to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
if we truly do belong to Him and desire His Son and are set apart by God to receive His gift of salvation.

If Romans 8:28 is true, then if we are believers in Jesus, we can never complain or murmur against God because whatever befalls us, it is first, from God's own hand, and second, it is according to His merciful intentions to do us good and not harm. His mercy is over all his works toward us. If we take this to heart, there should be solid rest and peace for every soul who trusts in Jesus - even when - or especially when - circumstances are trying. There is much greater cause to hope and believe in God's sovereignty when we are least "in control" of our lives.

There are many, many other verses that teach the very same thing in different words. I just find Romans 8:28 to be especially pertinent. I am going to go work on believing it now.

Endowed by Our Creator

National holidays, peaceful elections, fighter jets, pictures of Washington, D.C., etc. make me think a lot about why our country is such a precious place. Since the 4th is upon us, I'll blog God and country.

A lot of us get goosebumps when we hear these words from the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...

I want to believe those words really badly because they make me pretty powerful. They assure me that I am entitled by virtue of my humanity to some fantastic benefits that no person or government can take away from me (without due process of law). But I will have to confess that I have never read anything in Scripture that teaches that we have God-given, inseparable and absolute rights to life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness (which is another way of saying property). To the contrary, I see in Scripture a God who really promises us nothing temporal as an entitlement; He gives and takes away life, liberty, and property according to His good pleasure, and none of us can say to Him that He is unjust should He choose to take away our life or liberty or property.

So really, as great (and you better believe me that I mean GREAT) as our country is inasmuch as we aim to protect life, liberty, and property, I really think the "endowed by their Creator" bit is just the 18th century Enlightenment talking -- not the Bible. As a conservative, I want to be able to assert that my rights are my rights because they really are God-given, but at this point, I cannot conceive that they are anything more than man-given -- which makes them vulnerable to being taken away.

Nevertheless, I am SO thankful to be the beneficiary of such rights and I pray that they will not be transgressed or removed from us.

I do want to hear from you, though. Do you think I am crazy? Am I overlooking some Scripture that says that government cannot transgress these rights which are "endowed by the Creator?"

Randolicious

"Randolicious" is an adjective that means tastily random.

1. Today I got a tetanus shot because (1) I took a nail to the old arm this weekend and (2) it had been ten years since I had a shot. I got all psyched out because everyone swears tetanus shots hurt, but I didn't even feel it. Maybe I will in the morning.

2. No class Thursday night in honor of July 4. No work Friday in honor of July 4. No complaints from me in honor of July 4.

3. We watched that documentary Supersize Me on hulu last weekend. It was pretty gross at times. Don't watch it with your kids. I guess it'll teach you not to eat McDonald's so much, but we don't eat it that much to begin with... Chick-Fil-A on the other hand...

4. I have not forgotten my third installment of Sovereignty --> Joy. I have actually written most of it, but like 67% of most posts I start, I have not finished it. And I have providentially had some encounters with God's sovereignty which have made me take my own advice. I have had to trust in his sovereignty several times in the past few weeks. It has been good.

5. We are remodeling our bathroom, not because we are trying to be trendy, and not because we want to sell our house for more than we bought it for (ha!), but because our bathroom is disgusting. And I promised Tara we would remodel it when we decided to buy this house 2.5 years ago. I will be really glad when it is finished. We haven't even started the work. We're just trying to pick tile and that by itself is giving me a headache.

6. Speaking of remodeling, why in the world are the 20 different kinds of toilets at Home Depot that are in the same price range? Could there possibly be that much variety in white porcelain? How are you ever supposed to know which one of the twenty is best if you can't use it first -- or at least flush it? These things are 15 feet up in the air, looming over the aisle. This does not help the decision making process.

7. Ryan Harrison, I never see you anymore. Okay, so I see you once a month. But still. It depresses me. I even dedicated a blog post to you last week and you didn't say anything. Deep wounds, friend. Deeeeep wounds.

8. Jenna, Al Franken is now your Senator. How do you folks feel about that up in the Great White North?

9. Mary Ellen is obsessed with the "ah" vowel. I am sure that it has something to do with the fact that it is the easiest sound for a baby to make. She says all sorts of combinations of "ah". Like bah-bah-bah or dah-dah-dah or mah-mah-mah. And I have started talking right back at her with other vowel sounds like dee-dee-dee and moo-moo-moo and bo-bo-bo. But she is not having any of it. She just blinks and bah-bah-bahs again.

10. Did I tell everyone that I am getting a sister-in-law? I am getting a sister-in-law. No thanks to my parents (only child...) but special thanks to Tara's parents for having more than one child, and to Tara's brother Brett for asking Amber to marry him. I have never met her but I am getting a good vibe from the Facebook pictures. Bonus: Mary Ellen may actually have a first cousin in the future.

11. Enough of this. I wish you all a Happy 4th. Don't forget to be thankful for liberty. Good night.

The Middle East

There was a teacher in junior high that really was one of my favorites. She taught Alabama history and world geography. Her name was Mrs. Danner. Her class was roughly 20% content and 80% delivery... and I loved the delivery.

Mrs. Danner was in her fifties, and she was wearing transitions lenses before they were even the fad... except they didn't make any transitions. For whatever reason, Mrs. Danner liked to look at us through pink and tan tinted glasses. Indoors. And Mrs. Danner had the coolest clothes. I do have a favorite outfit of hers. Imagine a matching denim pants and vest; the vest has big padded shoulders with shiny gold fabric on the shoulder parts and shiny gold stars up and down the front. Accent this with some gold shoes, big gold belt buckle, and gold clanky jewelry. Oh, yes! She was hip for a middle-aged lady in 1999.

Mrs. Danner had very proper speech as compared with many other teachers (e.g., Coach Davis, Mrs. B, Ms. Graham). Remember how I told you she was 80% delivery? Well, she liked to enunciate her words and dramatize everything she said - kind of like a wannabe Phylicia Rashad. (If you don't believe Phylicia Rashad enunciates, you need to go hear her read the Christmas story at Disney World. I stood ten feet away in a choir while she read! And that is another story for another blog.) Anyway, Mrs. Danner's delivery was kinda showy. She could take a simple statement like "The Middle East has a very hot and arid climate" and make the word "arid" sound all classy-like. She was also fun to watch. And so... you know. I have a story.

One day, she started off our world geography unit by asking us to take out a piece of paper. She wrote two simple questions on the board:

1. If you could visit any place in the world, where would you go?
and

2. What do you think of when you hear the words: "The Middle East?"

And she asked us to take a minute to write down our answers. DEEP questions, I know.

Well, we had some ding-a-lings in our class. She called on one of them (who shall remain nameless) and very dramatically asked her, "If you could visit any place in the world, [Insert name here], where would you go?

And the girl says, "Umm... the beach? Like, P.C.?"

Mrs. Danner paused in her tracks, scrunched up her face, bit her lip a little, and then asked hopefully, "P.C.? Like the Pacific Coast?"

Girl: Um... no. Like Panama City?

Mrs. Danner was not satisfied or impressed that someone would choose Panama City, FL - only 3.5 hours from Montgomery and definitely a place that we had ALL been before - as their choice destination when offered the chance to travel anywhere in the world. With a thoroughly disgusted look on her face, she turns to the next desk and asks this girl's friend, "Where would you go, baby?"

Other girl: Ummmmm. I actually wrote the beach, too?

Mrs. Danner looked around at all of us like we were the biggest lot of uncultured imbeciles she had ever met. I think we were making her physically ill. So she tried to move on quickly and asked the first girl for her answer to the second question.

Mrs. Danner: Tell me now, what do you think of when I say the words, "The Middle East?"

[please keep in mind this was prior to 9/11, but definitely post Gulf War]

Girl: Um, I wrote down cows, dairy farms, cheese.

Poor girl. She was confused with the Midwest.

But I wish you could have seen Mrs. Danner's face! She just shook her head in pain. I think after 20 seconds of silence she briefly explained that the Midwest is in America and that they might have some dairy products there.

So she asked the other girl what she thought of when she said "The Middle East."

Other girl: umm... Chinese people?

I was probably crying in my hands at this point. But Mrs. Danner was incensed. She kind of took it personally that people were not answering her thought-provoking questions as she had hoped. I think she said something kind of like "Who let you children into this magnet school?"

So anyhow, the moral of the story is: be wary of confusing the Middle East and The Midwest, because boy are they tricky. And if you do confuse the two, don't do it in a magnet school classroom with a lady who talks like Phylicia Rashad because she will embarrass you.
The End.

The Elements of Style

I have been meaning to encourage my Grammar Nazi readers (about 40% of you) that you need to make a good book a part of your library -- especially if you are still a student.

It was recommended that I buy a copy of The Elements of Style by Strunk & White for law review articles editing; I did, and it has proven helpful. The great thing about this edition is that it is illustrated with random artwork which makes it feel a lot less like a writer's manual and a lot more like coffee table literature. $10 isn't much. Go for it.

Harrisonisms

Some professors at school are my favorite because they are so smart. And some are my favorite because they are so helpful.

But there is one that is my favorite because he is so funny. Professor Harrison has got the Southernmost accent you have ever heard. He is the kind of fellow that can effortlessly put two - maybe even three syllables in my name. (Bee-yun). So everything he says is fun to listen to already, but the things he says when he gets sidetracked from lecturing are ridiculous. Every time he says something quotable, I write it down. I hereby dedicate this blog post to Ryan Harrison (no known relation to Professor Harrison) who specifically requested a thoroughly quotable and Southern post.

Here are some classic Harrisonisms:

1. [When talking about consulting his wife before committing to do something]: "I gotta talk to the spousal unit."

2. [When trying to describe the fact that a girl is good looking]: "Boy I tell you what, she was stronger than new rope."

3. [He lives in Auburn, AL. When explaining that there are more pretty girls at Wal-Mart in Auburn than any other place he can think of]: "I bet there's some of y'all guys that would pay me to take you to Auburn Wal-Mart. You don't believe me, you just go shop at the one in Opelika first and then you'll see what you been missin.'"

4. [When explaining that he is not trying to be inappropriate when he says there are a lot of pretty girls in Auburn]: "Y'all, I tell my wife all the time if a girl came up and offered me soup or sex, I swear I'd just take the soup. I'm just not like that. But I am just tellin' ya, there's some good lookin' women in Auburn. Oxford, Mississippi is another place full of 'em."

5. [When explaining something... I can't even remember what]: "Y'all pardon my French, but it was drier than a popcorn fart."

6. [When explaining that his wife is much prettier than he is handsome]: "Soon as y'all ever meet my wife, you'll know I punted waaaaaay beyond my coverage. If she was lookin' for tall, dark, and handsome, I guess she decided two outta three wasn't bad."

7. [When explaining that he will give us $5,000 as a finder's fee if we can procure a buyer for his $700k + lake house which is for sale]: "And $5,000 sure beats a poke in the eye."

8. [When trying to explain that somebody had a lot of money]: "He was rich as six foot up a bull's butt." [I have no idea where this quote came from... probably Crenshaw County.]

9. [Last summer, describing the potency of domestic sewage sludge for fertilizing golf courses and crops]: "Y'all that stuff could make grass grow on a bowlin' ball."

10. [Last summer, explaining that Alabama has the #2 safest drinking water in the nation (Rhode Island is #1)]: "Know what I call people in Alabama who I see drinkin' bottled water? SUCKERS."

I will probably post a second edition of Harrisonisms by the end of summer term.
Hope you enjoyed that. Good night.

They Wouldn't Hurt a Fly

PETA, you know -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals... not People Eating Tasty Animals -- wants the President to be kinder to flies.



People at PETA, of course, are crazy.
But about that video. Now, if I didn't think that Obama had some mad skills before seeing this video, boy do I now. I think I have successfully hand swatted two flies in my life. I am just not a ninja.

Sovereignty --> Joy (Part Two): How Is God So Happy?

As I was saying... I am convinced that we would all be much happier people if we understood God's sovereignty and meditated on it more frequently.

When I say "much happier" I do not mean the sort of happiness that comes and goes with circumstances. For instance, I am certainly happy when I am with people I love and when my belly is full and when I am not bothered by the burdens of life. But there are many times in my life that I can be nevertheless happy when I am alone, unsatisfied, or deeply troubled. So what I mean by happiness (I should really call it "joy") is the sort of happiness that abides continually in spite of adversity. I mean the kind of joy that can say, "It is well with my soul," in any circumstance.

What lays the foundation for that sort of mindset? What must we truly and actively believe to think about our lives from this perspective?

Well, it starts with an understanding that God Himself is unshakably joyful and constantly pleased. God's Word commands us to literally rejoice always; He is the ultimate example of obedience to each of his own commands - including commandments to BE GLAD. If He demands that we be joyful always, He, too, must be joyful always. Therefore, He is never distraught. He does not worry. He does not change plans in the middle of an endeavor because He has already decreed the end from the beginning. He does not grow tired or weary with us or anything He has made. He is glad in Himself and in his works -- all the time.

How can that be so? Well, it helps that He works all things according to the counsel of His own will. Whatever He pleases, He does. (And whatever He does is ALWAYS right and just - so there are no regrets or second-guesses, as we are prone to suffer.) Moreover, He doesn't need us in order to be happy. He is completely self-sufficient, and we exist (and are saved) in order to serve one solitary purpose -- His glory. In sum, He is gloriously central to all things; all things are working according to His will and design, and He rules over all things in sovereign joy. His happiness (grounded in His sovereignty) is foundational to our pursuit of the same happiness. If God is rejoicing, we can and must join Him in rejoicing in what he rejoices in. If God is not happy, we will never be truly happy ourselves.

Now the Scripture certainly speaks of God being grieved by sin. I do not mean to avoid that truth. God even feels hate (not joy!) for the devil, all wickedness -- and even wicked people. And yet, he reigns over and in spite of wickedness. He is not the author of sin, but he quite obviously permits it. From our perspective, there are times that the world around us can look like everything is going to hell in a hand basket - whatever that means. We are eager to attribute sovereignty to God when our circumstances are "good," but as soon as things are "bad," we have doubts. To suggest that there is a sovereign King who is right-this-instant presiding over human suffering and war and famine and violence and corruption sounds like sheer absurdity.

Illustrations and metaphors are never enough to communicate the whole truth about God or doctrine. For example, marriage does not completely convey the intimacy and fidelity that Christ has for us (his bride, the church) because all the marriages we have ever witnessed are temporary and at least somewhat flawed, if not desperately flawed. But metaphors are still useful -- that's why we use them. That's why God uses them in His Word. I have heard people attempt to explain God's sovereignty over "bad" things by comparing all of history to the weaving of an elaborate and beautiful tapestry. If you examine the back of a tapestry, you will not appreciate the beauty or skill of the artist. You will see knots, loose threads, etc., and the intelligent design will not be apparent. But when the work is revealed upon its completion, and when viewed from the proper perspective, it becomes very clear that the artist knew exactly what she was doing with her thread all along. It is a masterpiece.

Sometimes, when things in our lives do not make sense, or when our circumstances disappoint us, we forget that small, personal trials are a part of a much, much larger and more glorious work. We forget that God can manipulate and redirect calamities or the evil intentions of others for His own glorious purposes. If you don't want to believe that, please remember that the work of His sovereign plan was precisely what was necessary to accomplish our salvation. Recall that he used a conniving man - Judas - to betray His Son into the hands of a very confused, unruly mob; that same mob consequently convinced pagan rulers that they ought to release a reputed criminal into the streets of Jerusalem in exchange for the merciless scourging and crucifixion of Jesus, who was perfectly innocent. If you had asked Peter or Mary or John, "What do you make of this?" during the crucifixion, they would have probably broken down into tears and told you that things were out of control.

You'd say the same thing if you had been there, because the story reads like madness. But God's Word says what happened at the cross was all planned - it says that in more than one passage - and this planning was in place from the foundation of the world so that guilty people - no doubt some of the very people who betrayed Jesus - might be saved by God from their sins.

There are many other stories in the Bible that turn out the same way. (Joseph and his brothers, Moses and the Exodus, for example).

More importantly, when we despair about our lives, we forget that God - who cannot lie - promises that everything works together for good for those who love Him. We'll talk more about that in Part 3.

So while there is indeed darkness, death, decay and suffering in the world and in our lives, God is King and He rules and reigns over all creation. He initiated and planned a redemption of the creation, and we believe that one day we will see this redemption consummated. God is therefore pleased with his works and happy in Himself because everything works according to His perfect will. His sovereignty insures his happiness... and ours. (More to come in Part 3).

It's a Wonder...

... that any of us made it out of adolescence with our eyeballs intact.

The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures." Proverbs 30:17

I needed that verse on a t-shirt when I was 15. Probably still do.